I am not broken.

Dear Every Mum Who is Struggling Today,

How are you? I want to know, how you today. Not your baby, but you.

I heard you are struggling today and I want to tell you you've got this.

Motherhood is a journey, a marathon, a wandering, an odyssey, a sojourn, pick whatever noun suits you today. On exhausting days, I choose marathon. But today motherhood is a journey. I have been on this journey for about 4 years. I am still a novice, some have been on this journey for 50 years or longer. I don't know the length of my journey, simply that I will be on it for the rest of my life. I have learnt some things I'd like to share with you. It might help you wherever you are on your journey. In time, you might share your learnings with me too.

I learnt I have unresolved breastfeeding grief (I didn’t even know breastfeeding grief was a thing).

I learnt I don’t have to hang onto the anger over my breastfeeding journey. I can accept that it happened and let it go. 

I learnt every mother struggles in different ways when you have a baby. And maybe my struggle with my firstborn didn’t mean I was a bad mum and I would eventually screw things up with her. 

I learnt maybe I don’t have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe my complicated relationship with my mum didn’t have to be my future with my daughter.

I learnt maybe I am enough. Maybe trying every day to do my best is enough.

I have forgiven myself for not knowing what I didn’t know. 

I have forgiven myself for sometimes choosing myself over my baby.

I have forgiven myself for trusting authority figures who ‘knew better.’ 

I have forgiven myself for every self-loathing thought I had when I was sleep deprived, exhausted and pumping endlessly to get every drop of milk out of my useless boobs.

I know my boobs aren’t broken. I was not and am not broken. I was just given bad advice, over and over again. And any person who followed that advice would have had the same outcome. 

I recognise my strength, determination and love for my baby for never questioning whether I would pump exclusively for 8 months after my baby refused the breast.

I have reconnected with my mothering instincts and now allow them to guide me. 

We are all on our own journey. My journey is not your journey. But I do want you to hear my honesty. If you are struggling today, remember this is only one day on a motherhood journey. In time, you won’t even remember this day. 

When you are struggling on your journey take 10 minutes, listen to a song that makes you smile, or watch some funny memes, go for a walk. Do something you want to do for you, and things will be slightly better after it. (If it’s not slightly better, take another 10 minutes until it does feel slightly better).

You got this mama.

I want to hear from you soon. When you have the time and energy to tell me your learnings Or maybe you will see another mother on her journey, and tell her your learnings. This could be the start of a new way to mother, by supporting other mums unconditionally.

In kindness and strength,

Bianca